Guest post by By B. Imei Hsu, RN,LMHC  – Part one of a two part series on relationships and Facebook

“Are you Bernice?” queried the barista.

“Yes. Do I know you?” I answered.

“Yes. I follow you on Facebook.”

I admit that I am still surprised whenever I hear someone other than family use my given name. But on Facebook, my full name is listed as my address so it remains searchable to childhood friends, extended family, and colleagues who knew me before I felt I was ready to be known as my Chinese name, Imei. The barista and I had a laugh after we traced how it is we knew each other. This is one of the true pleasures of relationship aided by Social Media, and in particular, enhanced by Facebook: meeting someone you formerly knew as a tiny image and sound bytes on your computer, and seeing him in the flesh.

“Itʼs nice to finally meet you,” I smiled. Then I realized I didnʼt have a stick of makeup on, I was wearing jeans and a hoodie, and I looked like something the cat dragged in. Oy.

As a Relationship Counselor, Life Advisor, and Blogger, I am asked to weigh-in on my opinion regarding the uses Social Media platforms and their connection with relationships. Because Social Media taps the voyeur within its participants, I find the topic both psychologically relevant and entertaining.

The other day, I ran into a friend who lamented about the way younger (for the purposes of this article, letʼs throw down the arbitrary and unscientific age of 39 and below as the differentiating age of the word younger) participants of Facebook use the popular Social Media platform as a means of interpreting the seriousness of love relationships. Having overheard two women talking about their current dating status, one woman asked the other, “Did he friend you?” The other responded, “Oh yeah, but he didn't update his relationship status from ‘single' to ‘in a relationship with.'” The first woman replied, “Well then, it isn't serious.”

Should you let Facebook determine your relationship status? While I find it incredible why a social platform has the power we give it to connote meaning to a relationship's intensity, seriousness, or level of commitment, I confess that whether I think Facebook should or should not be that determiner is no longer the point. What, then, is the point? The point: right now, people DO use Facebook to highly influence the perception of their relationship status. How do they do this?

Ways People Let Facebook Determine Relationship Veracity

1. They friend the person they are dating early in the “get to know” phase. Nothing particularly wrong with that, unless you do not know you are dating someone with deep emotional problems, issues with boundaries, or stunted social skills.

2. If one person says no to the friending process, the other person may interpret that action to mean s/he is not important to the other person. Or it could mean someone is hiding something. 

3. If they agree to friending, the clock is set on the day the friending occurs.

4. For whatever the “magic day” is in the mind of the one with the biggest awareness of the social pull of his/her group (usually the female, but in the case of same-sex or poly relationships, it can be either or both), that person will remind the other that it is “time” to adjust the Facebook status to reflect his/her perception of the level of time and activity.

Where they used to call it DTR (determine the relationship) back in the day, now it's FRS (Facebook Relationship Status). Why might this feel important to so many FB users? Just like the commitment ring, an announcement of engagement, or a proclamation of marriage, one or both of the individuals broadcast to their community the nature of their relationship when one or both parties feel it is in their best interest to either announce a sense of boundary and ownership (i.e.”she's mine”, “he's with me”), trumpet a sense of normality (i.e. “I'm in a real relationship and I'm normal”), or possibly offer a sense of explanation (i.e. “I'm spending time with this person X.”).

There is another option. You could have a mature conversation about how you use Facebook, what your expectations are, and what limits may exist for you. You could remind each other that what you tell each other in person is more important than what is revealed on your Facebook Wall (unless someone is particularly adept at lying). Does this sound like old-fashioned, face-to-face relationship skills, communication, garnering trust, and following your words with congruent action?

You bet.

How has Facebook changed your relationships? How has Facebook changed the way you date or view relationships? Share your thoughts on in the comment section below. We look forward to hearing from you.

B. Imei Hsu, is a nurse psychotherapist, cat lover, artist, and blogger. When sheʼs not running her private practice Seattle Direct Counseling , sheʼs goobing on her cats Lumi and Charles-Monet,spinning tunes as an iPad DJ, and writing her book, “Designing Your Practice: An Artistʼs Approach”. She lives in Seattle, WA.