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How Speakers Can Silence the Inner Critic & Take Charge of Their Brain with Rachel Alexandria

Does it ever feel like your mind is working against you? Like your brain isn't your best friend?

For instance, you're about to step onstage and your brain all of a sudden starts saying to you, “Who are you to be up here? You've got to be kidding me!”

Or the moment before you hit send on a big pitch, your brain says, “Oh, you should really stop kidding yourself. They would never want you as a speaker.”

The good news is that you are not alone. We all do this. I do this, but the even better news is that there's something you can do to remind yourself of who is really in charge of your brain.

Today, on the Rebel Speaker podcast, we have Rachel Alexandria, and she is going to remind us of how we are really in charge of our brains.

Rachel has been living a life outside the norm since 2008 when spirit came a knocking at her door. After receiving many messages through signs and psychics, she began a journey to understand and integrate her calling as an energy healer and an intuitive, which, at first, seems at odds with her graduate degree as a psychotherapist.

Since then, she has worked with hundreds of clients as a leadership and power guide. She’s an author of two books. One book is about interpersonal conflict, which I highly recommend, and then she has her second book, which is an illustrated guide about how to work with your consciousness, titled Who's In Charge of Your Brain. It's super. We'll talk about the book and the amazing illustrations.   I really love the stick figures.

How Are Brains Get In the Way of Sharing Our Message on Stage

Michelle:          I feel like this is a message that speakers really need to hear because as we want to expand our visibility, be seen and share our message, there's a lot of stuff that stops us that has nothing to do with getting speaking gigs. So my first question for you is, how do you think our brains get in the way of sharing our message and our expertise on stages?

Rachel:              Oh man. Most of our problems are generated within our own minds, so I guess the simplest way to answer that is to say when we’re very little kids, we have almost zero inhibition.

Depending on how we were raised, unless we were raised in a way that was like, “No. Shut up, sit down,” all the time, but in the early, early years, we're like, “Hey. Look at this mud pie! I want this over there. I'm going to stand on top of the ladder on the playground and shout, ‘I'm the king of the mountain!'”

We don’t have all those inner critics and things like that. They just haven’t been developed yet.

As we age we start to learn things aren’t palatable to people around us, or we make mistakes and we feel ashamed, or maybe we even get attacked for things.  That’s when we start to develop protectors that are like, “Well, don’t do that because someone's going to come after you. No, you can’t say that. Don’t go that way. Don’t be too …”

So a lot of us get even direct messages that sound like , “Don’t get too big for your britches,” or “Good kids are seen and not heard,” or things like that, so we start to develop all these stories in our subconscious really that say, “Good people do these things and bad people don’t do those things, and so I have to make sure I adhere to that stuff or else I’ll be rejected from my family and die.”

That's what your subconscious does. Little children are not capable of caring for themselves without their family attending to them, so we adhere to the behavior that we are taught in order to survive.

It’s not something we do consciously, it's something we do subconsciously.  This is what we are dealing with when we are adults – without even realizing it is all of these limiting stories and beliefs about what’s good and what’s not good.

When it comes time to get on stage, if you have a bunch of messages in your subconscious saying, “The kids are seen and not heard,” or “Nobody likes a braggart,” then what’s going to happen? You’re going to run up against a lot of fear, right?

Michelle:          I think there's something to be said about the fact that it is really subconscious. We don't even know that we have these beliefs and these stories that are playing underneath everything whispering  “Oh, what you have to say isn't that important. Be quiet. Don’t be too much,”

It’s almost like be bring the programming that we got when we were little kids into our adulthood.  Then as soon as we start to expand and want to be visible, those tapes begin to play and that leads us to self-sabotage.

Rachel:              Absolutely, and our inner protectors are like, “What are you doing? Don't do that. Oh, my God. That's too dangerous. Nobody will want you around. You'll get killed. Ah!”

Why We Place So Much Importance on What The Inner Critics Say

Michelle:          “Oh no!” Yeah. I think that brings us to the next question, although you have already hinted at it.   Why do we place so much importance on what the inner critics are telling us?

Rachel:              Well, first of all, again, this is not happening in our conscious awareness most of the time. The work I do is helping people bring their conscious awareness so they see what’s happening.  

But the inner critics, their job is to beat us up so that we don’t go the wrong way. So it’s not like we think, “Hm, inner critic, that’s a good point. I’ll do what you say.” It’s more like they’ve got these big whacking sticks and they're chasing our inner children around, the ones who have more freedom and who are just crying, “But I just want to be able to say what I want to say.”

The inner critic responds, “No,” and starts using those whacking sticks to beat them up. “No! Don't do that. Get away! You're bad!”

So yeah, it’s not like we think to ourselves, “Oh, I think that’s a good idea. I should not do this.” It’s more like, as soon as I think about doing this big bold thing, I feel like crap about myself.  Therefore I will shy away from what makes me start thinking terrible things about myself.

We shy away from things that make us feel ashamed, essentially, and the inner critic’s job is to shame us to keep us from doing things that they see as dangerous based on those old stories from our childhood.

Michelle:          Well, and it sounds like the inner critic in some ways comes from this good place thinking, “I don’t want you to die. I don’t want you to be rejected. I don’t want you to feel pain, so I'm going to protect you by beating you up verbally.”

Rachel:              Pretty much! You might see that behavior in actual people. A lot of times that is actually literally happening with our parents.

When they say, “Don’t get too big for your britches,” they don’t mean you’re not worth anything. Most parents, decent parents don’t mean you’re not worth anything. They mean, “I don’t want you to be a selfish jerk and not have any friends so be careful.” They just don't phrase it that way.

Mostly the inner critics when you talk to them, when you really come into a calm space and connect with them, they really are trying to help. They just have a job and that’s all they know how to do, and so we have to update them and be like, “Okay guys. Actually hurting, not helping.”

How to Show the Inner Critic Who is Really In Charge (So You Can Speak Anyway)

Michelle:          Yes. We need to tell them “You are taking me further away from my goal rather than helping me actually get there.” So how do you show that inner critic who’s really in charge?

I know that’s what your book is about, essentially.  How do you show that inner critic who's claiming, “You can't do that. I'm going to keep you safe. Don't do it,” that you are in charge and it's actually safe for you to take a risk and make the bold leap?

Rachel:              So this book takes a lot off of a modality called internal family systems, which sometimes gets referred to as parts work, similar to voice dialogue in some ways.

The book kind of tries to simplify the process to some degree, but what you need to do is get into a calmer mindset, a curious, more neutral place but a caring one, and understand you’re the big one when you get into that space.

You need to learn to think “I am the big one and everything else, all the other voices are aspects of me, are the little ones and so I need to help them understand that they are not the drivers of my mental bus. I am the driver of my mental bus.”

None of our parts are usually are aware that they're parts.  When you have a thought, “I want a cookie. No, I shouldn’t have a cookie,” you’re not thinking, “Oh, those are different aspects of me. Those are different parts of me with different unique wants and what is that like?”

Some of it is kind of re-framing your mindset into understanding that you are the CEO of this inner corporation, essentially.

Michelle:          I love that, you’re the CEO of the inner corporation. You're the boss.

[Tweet “Be the CEO of your inner corporation so you can speak more”]

Rachel:              Yeah, and then you have to help those workers understand that they are not your entire consciousness.

It is a cog in the wheel. It’s an employee at the corporation, so sometimes even that’s a shock to the inner critics like, “Hey, do you know that you’re just a part of me? You’re not me,” and they're like, “Huh? What?” It’s sometimes a weird kind of experience.

But then from that calm place of helping them understand like, “Hey, you’re not in charge. I'm in charge. ” Then usually it’s about, “How old do you think I am?”

They usually think that we're younger. They think that we're kids, so helping them understand, “I’m actually an adult. I have developed a lot more filters and adaptability and capability than I had when I was little when maybe it was appropriate to shame me for pulling my pants down in public.

I want to do that on stage. I’m making a conscious choice and it's part of my speech, and it’s okay.”

Michelle:          I would not recommend pulling your pants down on stage.

Rachel:              Well, if you're advertising underwear or something, just I'm saying, there could be a reason, or metaphorically pulling your pants down to make an audience laugh or something, so when they understand that you’re not a child anymore and that you are the CEO, then they start to understand.  

Then you need to acknowledge, “Hey, I know that you’re just trying to help. I respect and honor you for that,” and the book doesn’t go into all of this. This is more the practice.

The book is kind of just laying out, “This is what’s going on, and in general, you need to let them know who's boss,” but yeah, connecting in word and letting them know, “I respect and honor what you’re doing, and the intention with which you're doing it.”

They just want to be seen. They want to be respected and then you say, “And I need you to not do it that way anymore.” Then it’s a process of reminding them. I still fall into that sometimes.

Your Inner Critic is Separate from YOU!

Michelle:          Well, I think there are a few important things to call out here. I really love the idea of seeing the inner critic as separate from yourself because I don’t think a lot of people do that. They just believe that that voice in their head telling them those things, it's them, right?

Rachel:              Yeah, they're just like, “My brain does this to me.”

Michelle:          Yeah, “My brain is doing this,” and it’s like, “No. That’s just a part of you,” so you can almost separate that thought that is going into your head from yourself.  Then when you can separate, you can actually deal with them better.   I've sometimes named my inner critics, just to help me separate them, “Oh, that's Sally Poopie Pants talking again.”

Rachel:              Right. Yeah.

Michelle:          Then it's easier to go in and have that conversation, and show that inner critic a lot of love, because I think that's the other thing, is that you don't want to be telling yourself, “I’m bad for having these bad thoughts.”

Rachel:              Right. We don’t want to do to them what they do to us. You can't change the status of something using the same methodology, right?

Michelle:          Yes!

Rachel:              You can't shame a part into not shaming you. You have to model, which can be a little hard, so that’s why it’s always useful to really get across that sense of, “You are trying to help me, aren’t you?”

They're usually like, “Yeah. Yeah, I am,” and so then you need to respond, “Oh, that’s really sweet,” just like you might say to a kid who’s trying to wash the floor with apple juice like, “That's sweet honey. I’m glad you're trying to help and let’s get you to help in a different way because this isn't actually working.”

Michelle:          Yeah, like, “Let’s apply your talents in another way so that it’s actually helpful.”

It’s like you want to get them onboard so you're all pulling in the same direction.

Rachel:              Exactly.

Michelle:          That makes it much easier to press send or step on stage or do the Facebook Live or anything that you want to do that's going to get you more visibility.

I think it's such an important mind hack to really see it as outside of yourself, understand those intentions that are good, and then remind them that, “Hey, I'm in charge, and let's find you something else to do.”

Rachel:              Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

How to Recognize and Disrupt Your Negative Self-Talk

Michelle:          This is actually our last question, and this is more of a personal question for me because I'm the host of the show so I get to ask these kinds of questions.

What I find, and I know other people have this problem, is that I get into a vicious spiral of the inner critic, the negative self-talk where all of the sudden it's 3 o’clock in the morning and you just start spiraling like, “I don't have any money. I suck. No one is going to care,” and it just gets out of control.

So how do you deal with that?  What’s your best tip for really disrupting that negative self-talk cycle?

Rachel:              Well, I’m a big fan of having a variety of tools to see what works in the moment, so I use tapping. That’s been a thing that I’ve used to connect with my inner critics, which is also called emotional freedom technique, or EFT. That’s been a big one. I think another way is meditation.

More than anything, having the awareness for me is what’s useful. As soon as I become conscious of the fact that some part of me is beating me up, I have another part who's who's pretty fierce. She’s a pretty fierce defender of me because I just 100% absolutely know without any question that self-shaming is counterproductive and harmful. So as soon as I become conscious, like become aware of the fact that it’s happening, that part is like, “Stop it.”

She is not to be disobeyed, and the inner critics know it too because we’ve had enough chats by now that when I say, “Yeah, you guys know this isn't working.”

They're like, “Oh, crap,” like they were sort of asleep to the fact that they're in their bad behavior.  I definitely have that very fierce part.

What I would say it is very important to develop an aspect of yourself that’s very fiercely self-loving and will not let someone beat you up.

For example when someone is having a hard time disrupting that pattern, if they have that self-loving part that’s very fierce, then I think part of it’s also a little bit of the meditation practice of thinking, “I’m watching everything you think right now, brain, and as soon as it goes into this negative place, I’m cutting it off.”  It’s sort of disrupting that mental habit.

I’ve sat in a chair before and been like, “I refuse to do anything but focus on my breath until all of y'all in there calm down. You do not get the microphone.” I have done that in the chair with a client where I've had someone come in all freaked out.  

As a therapist, I'll be thinking, “Oh God. I'm supposed to do something and fix this with them, and I need to hurry up,” but I know I can’t do anything from that place.

That’s when I tell them, “Let's take five minutes and just connect with ourselves.” Internally my parts are like, “Ah!” That fiercely loving part is like, “We're going to sit here?” I don’t care if it takes half an hour. We're going to sit here.

It's like dad pulling the car over. “I’m not driving one second further until you stop, and I’m completely calm about that because you are not in charge of me,” so it’s that really strong boundary.

I guess what I mean is that everyone has to find a way to develop that for themselves in some way or another.

Once you believe 100% that negative self-talk is harmful and counterproductive, when you think of it like taking poison then you can really take a firm, unyielding stance on it.  Then you will tell yourself “As soon as I become aware of it, I will not allow it.”

Michelle:          Yeah. So even though you might be in this automatic cycle, there's some kind of touchstone that you can do that makes you go, “Oh wait. I'm doing this, and I need to pull the car over and take some time and reconnect and remind those parts of myself who are saying these horrible things that I’m the one in charge.”

For me, I was also thinking it can also be helpful to have a physical touchstone like tapping can be that touchstone or I would even say your book could be a touchstone.

I really love that your book can really help with mindset.

It’s  a very quick read, and so when you feel yourself beating the crap out of yourself for wanting to step on that stage or send that pitch or share your message in some way, you can pick up your book and read it in five minutes and be like, “Okay. That's what's going on. I need to have a talk with my inner critic, and then I can get back to taking the action that I want to take.”

Rachel:              Yeah. There are a couple pages, and I actually have some artwork that people can have too, like it can be on their wall and stuff like that, that takes pieces from the book, so there’s a page that says, “If you feel yucky when you put this belief on,” whatever this belief is about yourself, and just sort of are looking at it like, “Hm, when I think about myself and think, ‘I’m too big for my britches,' do I feel crappy about myself?” Then it’s time to let that belief go.

Michelle:          Yes.

Rachel:              So it actually says on the back of the book, “Keep this on your nightstand,” and people have told me that they do. There’s just something about it that's so reassuring because it’s sort of like an external authority for the first time saying, “Please don’t do this. It’s actually not good for you,” as opposed to the external authorities who are our parents or our teachers, or whoever, who created, who fed in some of the negative beliefs. This is like, “Hi. I'm in authority, and actually no, don’t do that. That's not good for you.”

Michelle:          “It's not good for you.” It's not good for showing up for your life in how you want to show up. Final question, where can people find you online and how can they get ahold of your book?

Rachel:              Yay. They can find me online at RachelAlexandria.com. I The book is on the homepage if you scroll down a little bit and they can buy it there. If you’re local to the Pacific Northwest, it’s also at Third Place Books, in their three locations, and hopefully will be coming soon to more bookstores.

Michelle:          Yay. That is so awesome. Thank you so much, Rachel, for being on the show because mindset is everything for speakers.  If speakers don’t have the right mindset, they’re always going to find themselves struggling. I think it’s easy to assign those struggles to outward sources. It's hard to get speaking gigs or no one wants to pay attention to this message, but really it's a lot of the inner things that we're saying about ourselves, so now everyone has a hack to help them deal with their inner critic. Thank you so much.

Rachel:              The more that you are your own friends, the easier it is to do whatever you want to do.

Michelle:          Awesome. Thank you, Rachel, and everybody remembers that. The more you're your own friend, the more you can speak.

[Tweet “The more you're your own friend, the more you can speak.”]