Shut up and Listen! 5 Keys to Listening
“You're are not listening to me,” I yelled at my boss.
I just spent 5 minutes explaining a problem we were having based on feedback that I received from my coworkers.
My boss interrupted me and said, “Michelle, you really shouldn't listen to the whining of your colleagues. A real leader…”
And that is when I yelled. I know, you shouldn't yell at your boss, but nothing says “I don't give a crap about what you have to say” like an interruption with an irrelevant object lesson in leadership.
Frankly, I didn't need the lesson because 1) I asked for this feedback; 2) I taught undergraduates for 10+ years so I know how to deal with whining; and 3) It had nothing to do with the problem at hand.
Whether your leading or speaking, it's time to get out of your head and get into listening. Here are 5 tips to help you shut up and listen!
- Show up for the conversation – Be present. Focus on what is being said. If your mind begins to wander, re-focus on what the other person is saying. If you're thinking about how to respond to what's being said, you're not listening. Tune in!
- Don't ASSume – We often stop listening because we KNOW what the other person is going to say. This is incredibly arrogant and let's face it – we don't actually know. When we tune out, our brain fills in the gaps for us. Unfortunately, our brain tends to be incredibly wrong most of the time.
- Don't interrupt – Hear the the other person out. Interrupting the other person sends the relational message that you don't care what the other person has to say and ultimately that they aren't of value to you.
- Eye contact is crucial – To be honest, I should have known my boss wasn't listening to me. He wasn't looking at me. When listening, maintain eye contact. It will keep you keyed in to the other person and help you pay attention. Eye contact is not just for speakers, it is for listeners too.
- Paraphrase back – A sign that you are listening is when you are able to paraphrase back to the other person what they just said. Even if you disagree with what is said – it says to the other person that you heard them, understand and value their opinion.
Listening is an under appreciated skill when developing relationships. How do you rate your own listening skills? I'm listening and would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section!
Hi Michelle,
I love your "show up for the conversation". So many people aren't really there or engaged. I also like your suggestion of not assuming you're going to know how they are going to finish their sentence. In my case, I've been working on not cutting people off and finishing their sentences when they pause midway. I have held myself back and been surprised because what they said WAS different from what was in my mind! Go figure! And, they had a neat and different spin on the idea from what I had.
It is so hard to be present with people. It seems to get worse with all the technological distractions that are around us today. I have to force myself to show up for the conversation as well. Even in Toastmaster meetings, I find myself drifting into my own world. Actually, Toastmasters is the best place to practice listening!
I loved this article. So many people get so busy, we have so many distractions and have a multitude of things on our plate, that it seems hard to show up for the conversation, I am one of those people. This article makes me sharpen my saw……
Thank you!
I am now following you on twitter and FB
Cheers
Hi John! Welcome to my site. Super glad you found me. I totally agree with you. We are living in an ADD society, and I am one of those who is constantly obsessed with my computer, iPhone, Facebook instead of being obsessed with the person I am with. I was actually writing about this the other day for an upcoming communication challenge I am doing. If we want to be better communicators, we need to put down the smartphone and show up for the conversation!